The Holey Bible: Uncensored Complete Version
by Olympus Spirit
Summary: Warning: if you don't like Biblical satire and taking shots at religion- this fic isn't for you. Since the Bible isn't a child-friendly book, this fic has been rated T, and should not be read by persons younger than the appropriate age. Like the Bible, this book contains graphic content not limited to: incest, violence, alcohol references, homophobia, sexism, racism, etc.
1. Chapter 1

**The Holey Bible: Uncensored Complete Version**

**Chapter 1**

Once upon a time, roughly six thousand years ago: Adam and Eve lived in paradise.

Now Satan, who as you know is extremely jealous of people, decided to get Adam and Eve kicked out of paradise.

Hence, one day the sons of God came to present themselves before the Lord, and Satan came with them.

God said to Satan: have you considered my children Adam and Eve? How they obey me in everything? Aren't I so great? I'm so awesome.

Satan said: they obey you only because they are without sin. Let me tempt them to sin, and they will disobey you to your face.

God replied: you have a fair point Satan. What fun is it if humans obey me because they love me? Go down and tempt them to sin, so I can curse them with original sin, then test them to see who still loves me afterwards.

So Satan descended into paradise about noon when Adam and Eve were having some nice apples from one of the trees of paradise.

Satan decided to tempt Adam first, so he called one of his demons and put over him an illusion, so he became a man like unto Adam.

Satan said unto the man: you will be called Steve, for through you Adam will be tempted and become bi-curious. This is why homosexuality is against the eleventh commandment to this day.

Then Steve approached Adam, who had never seen another human besides Eve- and Adam was drawn away from his wife by the lust of his eyes. Then Adam lay with Steve late into the afternoon.

Eve went into Adam and tried to get his attention, but Adam simply ignored her and lay with Steve some more.

Finally Eve had enough and decided to go look for something to do.

Now the serpent was more cunning then all the beasts, for he was actually Satan in disguise, pretending to be a serpent.

He descended from the branches of the tree of forbidden fruit and said: has God truly said you should not eat of every tree in the garden?

Eve said: we can eat of every tree except the forbidden fruit.

Satan replied: yet your husband Adam has already done that which God has bade him not do, by tasting of the forbidden fruit. Come and eat, for God knows that when you have both eaten you will become like gods, and no longer be gullible children that believe everything he says.

Then Eve saw that the fruit was delightful, so she invited the serpent that she might taste his forbidden fruit. So Satan descended upon her, and felt her up exceedingly, and entered her- even her womb.

Then God saw what his children were doing and said: what is this you have done!?

Adam said: Steve tempted me, and then Eve went away from me.

Eve said: Adam ignored me, so I went and lay with this serpent.

God said: Because you have done this you will be cursed. You will bring forth children in pain, and your husband will rule over you.

Then God cursed all serpents, so that they slither on their bellies- because Satan chose the guise of a serpent.

Truly, a serpent allowed Satan to use him as his vessel, and so all serpents were cursed.

Then Satan came before God's throne after the man and woman were put forth from the garden.

Satan said: I told you they would sin against you. I won this bet.

God replied: Gloat while you can Satan. I'll win the bet over Job in about two hundred years.

However, Satan didn't have foreknowledge of Job, so he said: let us put a guard before the tree of life, so the man might not eat of it and live forever.

God said: That's a good idea Satan, for if the man eats of the tree of life, it will be pointless for me to sacrifice my son in four thousand years, so that they might have eternal life.

Then Satan sent the hydra to guard the tree of life, and God made a sword that levitates and cuts on its own, because God can do that. He's magic and stuff.


	2. Chapter 2

**The Holey Bible: Uncensored Complete Version**

**Chapter 2**

Now some time had passed since the man and his wife were put forth from the garden, and Eve was pregnant, but only she knew that the serpent had been inside her womb.

Then Eve gave birth to a son and named him Cain, saying: I have obtained a man with the help of the Lord.

Now in the day the Lord had made earth and heaven, he had commanded the man and woman to be fruitful and multiply.

Eve said unto Adam: is it not good the Lord has given me a man? Now I may raise up seed for Cain, as well as for you.

Adam replied unto her: I hope you have a daughter soon, so I can have twice the amount of children, and then Cain may have her as a wife.

Some time later Eve conceived again and gave birth to Abel.

Now Cain was a man of the field, while Abel was a man who liked to kill animals. Cain brought the Lord an offering of fruit, while Abel brought the firstborn of his flock.

The Lord loved the blood of Abel's offering, for the smell of blood was exceedingly pleasing to him, but he had no regard for Cain's offering.

Then Cain was a little downcast, so he decided to take some of his fruit and burn it as an offering, and the Lord smelled the fruity scent.

The Lord said unto Cain: no Cain that's gay! Take that gay, fruity smell away!

So Cain became jealous and began to ponder how he might become better than Abel in the Lord's sight. The Lord liked blood, but Cain liked fruit.

Then Cain decided to take his brother Abel out to the field that he might know him.

Abel said: Is it right that we do this thing?

Cain replied: Our mother says that the Lord told her to be fruitful. One day she plans to come unto us and raise up seed by us. Now if it is lawful for our mother to lay with us, is this not also lawful?

So Abel yielded unto him, and Cain lay with Abel all the night and into the morning.

However, as the morning dawned, Cain felt shame that he'd allowed himself to be dominated by his younger brother. If Abel went back and repeated this story, Cain would be shamed in the sight of all his brethren.

Now the children of God presented themselves before the Lord, as they did every morning at dawn, and Satan came with them.

Satan said unto God: have you noted how Cain lay with Abel last night, and allowed his brother to taste his forbidden fruit?

God said: Cain has acted exceedingly wicked. Yet he is the older brother, and the oldest son is special in my sight. Therefore go down and whisper in Cain's ear and intice him to kill his brother. Introduce murder into the world, so I can test people to see if they really love me. When I tell them to kill it will not be sinful, but if they kill without my permission, it is murder.

Satan went down and whispered in Cain's ear on a breath of wind. He played on Cain's shame, convincing him that it was actually Abel with his fair appearance that had seduced him. Then Abel had shamed him.

Cain hated his brother in a moment of rage, and picked up Abel's shepherd staff nearby. Then he beat his brother's brains out until the blood ran from Abel's ears and onto the ground.

Then Cain was exceedingly sorry and wept and held Abel to him. Then he knew Abel's dead corpse. Has anyone ever heard anything like this in Israel? Let the people consider!

Then the Lord said to Cain: Why is Abel dead?

Cain said: Am I in charge of my brother's welfare?

The Lord replied: you care enough to engage in indecent relations with your brother's corpse, but not to spare his life! Listen, his blood is crying to me from the ground! Because of this you will be a wanderer and anyone who sees you will seek to kill you.

Cain fell down and cried and God's heart was glad at his pathetic groveling exceedingly.

So God said: whoever slays Cain, the same will befall him seven fold! See I've placed a mark on you so all will know you.

Then Eve lay with Adam a second time, but nothing happened, for Adam was advanced in years. Eve hated Adam for not being able to give her more children, and for going with that demon in disguise: Steve.

So Cain returned to visit his parents after wandering for a few years, but not finding anybody.

Eve drew aside Cain and said: the Lord said be fruitful and multiply, but your father is old and no longer able to give me children. Now behold, if you desire a wife, come unto me you mother, that we might raise up offspring.

Then Cain knew his mother Eve, and they begat a daughter, and Cain called her Abela saying: she will be my sister and my wife, and she is fair like Abel.

So Cain waited until Abela was seven years of age before taking her in betrothal, and when she was nine he consumated the marriage. The Ishmaelites do so until this day.

Then Adam was able to lay with Eve once again, and she gave birth to Seth saying: the Lord has given me this one to replace Abel, the one Cain killed.

And Cain knew his sister, and they conceived sons and daughters.

And Seth knew his mother Eve, and they also conceived sons and daughters. And Seth took a wife from among his sisters, and Eve was happy, for her son had given her many children.

And Cain had a descendent named Lamech. Lamech once boasted: if my ancestor Cain knew seven of his daughters, surely Lamech will know seventy-seven of his daughters and cousins!

And so the earth continued to be populated by incest, and God saw nothing wrong with this whatsoever.


	3. Chapter 3

**The Holey Bible: Uncensored Complete Version**

**Chapter 3**

Now Seth had a descendent named Enoch, a righteous one on the earth, for Enoch burnt God the blood of many innocent animals.

Enoch knew his second cousin, who was also his grandmother, and gave birth to Methusalah. Enoch lived four hundred years, and gave birth to other sons and daughters.

And Enoch walked before the Lord often, and the Lord saw how pleasing and comely Enoch was, and decided to take Enoch unto himself.

One day while Enoch was walking by the River Jordan, a whirlwind descended and took Enoch up into a flying chariot.

Now Enoch's son Methusalah watched on and cried out: my father! The chariot and horsemen of the Lord!

Then the chariot took Enoch from his sight.

Now Methusalah was especially favored by the Lord, who had favored his father Enoch, so he lived to nine-hundred years old. God can do that because he's magic and stuff.

Methusalah lived to nine-hundred and conceived sons and daughters, and in the course of time his descendent Lamech begat Noah.

Noah begat three sons named Shem, Ham, and Japeth, as well as daughters.

Now in Noah's day the earth had become exceedingly violent and full of people that wanted to have sex all the time.

Then God regretted that he had allowed this unlearned people to be propagated by continual incest, and his own lack of foresight hurt him deeply. He was supposed to be all-knowing. How had he failed to forsee that generations of incest would create such vile people?

Yet there was one man in all the earth that was right and not completely retarted in the eyes of the Lord: Noah.

God told Noah: I am going to destroy all the inbred people I made, for I am sorry I made them. However, you Noah are righteous, and I truly believe that when you propagate the earth by incest a second time, those inbred people will please me better.

He continued: now make a boat as big as a football field out of gopher wood, and reinforce the planks with mud and pitch.

Noah replied: I don't know what gopher wood is. What is it Lord?

So God used magic and brought up a special tree from the earth, and Noah called it gopher wood.

Hence Noah began work on the ark- he and his sons, daughters, and wives.

The people all around mocked Noah, but Noah warned them that a flood of water would soon come upon all the earth, and that the rain would fall continually for forty days and forty nights.

Yet still the people mocked and kept engaging in incestous relations with their mothers, cousins, sisters, and daughters. They men even went unto other men after the manner of Adam and Steve.

Then when the ark was finished, God said: let two of every kind of animal board the ark, a male and a female. For I am going to send the waters of the flood upon the earth to destroy it.

Noah said: I know that there are other kinds of animals all over the world, and even across the wide seas because travelers tell me about something called the wolf and the platypus.

So God used magic and teleported all the animals from North America and Australia to the Middle East- two of each kind.

Then when Noah had gathered two of each animal, he and his family boarded the ark and God sealed them in.

Then the rain began to fall, and the children of men flew into a panic. The mothers tried to save their babes by climbing the tallest mountains, but the waters eventually reached them and they drowned.

All the men, women, children, and animals that were not on the ark died.

Noah endured his hardships with patience and constant prayer, thinking of how loving God was for saving his family and drowning all those other people.

However, after a number of days the ark started to stink with all the animal waste, and Noah's son Ham grumbled against the Lord saying:

Why has your God sealed us inside of this boat with all these animals to starve while they eat up all the food and we have to endure the stink of their wastes?

Noah rebuked him saying: He is the Lord. Do you question the judge of all the earth?

Then Noah prayed and God used magic to make all the animal waste disappear.

Then Ham grumbled about the food shortage, and even Noah's wives and daughters began to complain against the Lord.

Noah prayed: God please do not destroy these stubborn people in your wrath! Am I not special? Do you not love me?

The Lord replied: I love you, just as I loved your father Enoch. I have heard the outcries of your family, and will fill your baskets with fresh manna every morning. However, because your son Ham as spoken against me exceedingly and provoked my wrath, he will incur my everlasting curse and shame.

Then Noah prayed that God might remove the curse from Ham, but God had turned away from Ham, neither would he listen to his prayers anymore.

And the rain continued to fall for forty days and forty nights, and the fountains of the deep burst open, and everything in the sea died.

But Noah and his family were safe inside the ark.


	4. Chapter 4

**The Holey Bible: Uncensored Complete Version**

**Chapter 4**

But God remembered Noah and all the wild animals and the livestock that were with him in the ark, and he sent a wind over the earth, and the waters receded.

However, the waters just moved aside uselessly for the most part, so God snapped his fingers and made a huge drain with a cork appear on the sea floor.

He sent Gabriel to pull the cork, and the waters all went down at such a rapid pace, it blasted monuments like the Grand Canyon out of the earth.

The place where the waters drain was never re-corked, and that area is still the Bermuda Triangle to this day.

Meanwhile, while the waters drained, forty days passed. Noah sent out a raven and a dove, both of which flew around the ark uselessly until they dropped into the water and drowned since there was nowhere to land, and birds don't have much sense.

Noah said unto Ham: "If you would redeem yourself in the eyes of the LORD, go and fetch those pterodactyls. We can't go killing off all our nice ravens and doves."

Then Ham brought the giant birds, which Noah hated for their size, and he was sure such giant creatures would trouble humans in the future.

He sent them out and they circled the ark, but there was nowhere to land, so they eventually dropped and drowned.

It came to pass that the death of the giant creatures pleased Noah exceedingly, so he had Ham drive the rest of them out of the ark to drown.

And so every dinosaur died, but lo! When the last T Rex was drowning the LORD opened its mouth, and it spoke to Noah in human speech.

"What is this thou hast done Noah? Drowning dinosaurs when I gave no command!"

Noah said: "My Lord, I am worthless and flesh in your sight! Let your punishment fall on Ham!"

The LORD said unto Noah: "Yes, my punishment shall fall on Ham, but for this you also will be disgraced!"

Then the T Rex became dumb again and drowned. Every dinosaur died.

Noah waited seven days and sent out another dove. When the dove returned to him in the evening, there in its beak was a freshly plucked olive leaf! Then Noah knew that the water had receded from the earth.

He waited seven more days and sent the dove out again, but this time it did not return to him.

God said to Noah, "Come out of the ark, you and your wife and your sons and their wives. Bring out every kind of living creature that is with you—the birds, the animals, and all the creatures that move along the ground—so they can multiply on the earth and have much incest."

Even though incest had created the first sinful world, the LORD felt sure that a second wave of cousin-fucking would balance out the genes.

Then Noah built an altar, and taking some of the animals he disliked such as unicorns, phoenixes, and behemoths- he made them extinct. He sacrificed them as burnt offerings.

The LORD smelled the pleasing aroma of the now extinct animals and said in his heart: "Never again will I curse the ground because of humans, even though every inclination of the human heart is evil from childhood. I cursed them to be that way! So never again will I destroy all living creatures, as I have done.

"As long as the earth endures,

seedtime and harvest,

cold and heat,

summer and winter,

day and night

will never cease.

"However, to serve as a reminder of this flood, the arctic region will never have these seasons. They are cursed with winter forever and ever!"


End file.
